You Are Not My Boyfriend (Being a Better Ally)

I’m no improv expert, but it’s my understanding that the key (perhaps) ingredient to a good scene is to Say Yes. Don’t immediately shut someone down when they say something crazy, try to welcome and grow their suggestions, etc. My gut reaction to an untruth is to correct it, so in a party atmosphere I try to put on my “improv” hat and encourage, as much as possible, delusional thinking. This means pretending to have the same astrological sign as anyone who asks, and getting excited about their birthdate-based analysis of my personality. This means catching when the ball is thrown, and dancing when my hand is asked. It’s not always easy for me, but when I get it right, it’s fun.

I was surprised, then, when one guy was “bothering” me and another called me his girlfriend, that I immediately rejected the idea. “Don’t pretend to be my boyfriend,” I said. “It doesn’t help me.”

Hi, the weather is great today in San Diego and also I am not your girlfriend.

Hi, the weather is great today in San Diego and also you are not my boyfriend.

Was I being a little harsh? Would I have allowed the play-act with a more conventionally attractive guy, or one with more social leverage? This acquaintance-friend was just trying to help me.

No, I was not offended simply because this particular person claimed me as his girlfriend. I was offended because stepping in as a woman’s pretend-boyfriend in order to protect her from other men is bad feminism and poor allyship.

Had *I* made the improvisational statement (“He’s my boyfriend”) and, seeing my aggravation, he allowed it, then that is fine. Of course, no one is obligated to accept lies about themselves or participate in a boyfriend-girlfriend role play (which could be really uncomfortable). A good ally response to a woman trying to pretend to be your girlfriend could also be: “Hey man, she’s not actually my girlfriend but the fact that she’s pretending to be is a pretty clear sign that she’s not interested in you and she wants you to give her space. Please respect her attempt to reject you in a nice way.”

Had I been more on my toes, I might have said something similar, “Oh, he’s not my boyfriend but it’s obvious he offered to pretend since he can see that you’re bothering me. I was trying to think of a non-confrontational way to tell you to please give me some space, but I think it’s time I just say so.” Instead, I was startled.

Somehow, it did not work when he made the improv-move. By telling another man that he was my boyfriend, he put me in the awkward position of needing to defend my space from not one, but two fronts. If I accepted the role, I would then need to negotiate, such that the other man wouldn’t catch on, the terms of our “relationship.” Would he try to hold my hand (which would make me uncomfortable)? Would he use pet names (this also would be weird for me). Kiss me? He did motion like he was going to put his arm around me, which is why I barked at him. Don’t pretend to be my boyfriend.

Telling someone that you are a woman’s boyfriend to “protect” her also has several, more nuanced problems:

1. It assumes that she “needs” your help.

First, people generally do not like attention drawn to their vulnerabilities or weaknesses. In the case of people with systemic disadvantages due to racism, sexism, ableism, homophobia, etc., there are webs of social risks attached to having their vulnerabilities revealed. I know, as a gay woman, I feel a lot of pressure to protect the “problems” in my relationship(s). Marriage is a legal privilege I have only recently been granted in my state, and socially I sometimes feel pressure to “prove” that I “deserve” it. I might avoid talking about my more complex, unconventional, or really any relationship problems, and I might avoid getting help for them, because I often am made to feel I have to be an “example” for all gay women. I don’t want to give fuel to homophobes to criticize gay women.

A woman who is not interested in a persistent man (lesbian or not) faces a fire hose of insults. If she shows or admits that she is unsure, oftentimes a man will use that to assume he has a chance or that she can be persuaded. If she is too dismissive too fast, often he will assume her evaluation of their match potential is wrong because how could she know so quickly, she barely knows me? Any crack is seen as a way for the offending man to blast her defenses and get what he wants, or even feels he deserves. Many women know what they are up against and have their strategies for coping with this, and not all interruptions in their strategies are welcome or even effective.

It is not helpful for someone to focus on and draw attention to my weaknesses when they could instead help me in my goal to represent myself as strong and independent. Even if it seems obvious (to you) that I’m hanging for dear life off the edge of a cliff. I may be perfectly capable of saving myself, or I might just resent the way you made me look weak in front of the other lemmings.

2. Whether or not she can use your help, it does not allow her a graceful way to accept it.

Second, to be a good ally you must offer help in a way that can be accepted or rejected gracefully and, as much as possible, invisibly. Ana Mardoll gives a good example about a co-worker who used his presence and a plausible excuse to diffuse a common uncomfortable situation at a bookstore. The boyfriend play-act is my bad example because it makes too many assumptions, and too obviously, such that if I accept I can’t appear to be independent and able to help myself. It’s either: I have a boyfriend and I accept him interjecting in my conversations with other guys (ew), or I reject the role play and I’m back to finding another way to deter my persister.

Yet, assuming that someone needs help is something that we have to do when we are in situations where we see how our privilege could be leveraged to protect another person, with less privilege, from discomfort or harm. It is a socially risky and necessary part of attempting to be an ally.

I use the word “assuming” because that is exactly what you do. Any time you identify a situation to inject your help, you are making an educated guess that it is needed. The risk comes in for you because you could be wrong, whether or not you are wrong you could be rejected, and whether or not you are rejected you open yourself to the conflict in which you tried to intervene. I say it is necessary to “assume” because 1. People will often not ask for help (vulnerability), 2. People with less privilege than you often do need the help of allies, directly or indirectly, and 3. You must assume that you are even able to give this help. Please always remember that you are making assumptions when you offer help, and use this mindfulness to be gracious and modest.

Many people try to reward themselves at this step by claiming hero-ship or some other gain (getting a super amazing pretend-girlfriend such as myself), perhaps because they unconsciously know the effort it takes to help a person and want to reward themselves. Occasionally, the reward is a by-product of another goal and can be permissible, e.g. posting your efforts to facebook to encourage other people to do the same (awareness) and getting compliments and attention (reward). However, as difficult as it is to stick out your hand for someone, you are not the person who is hanging off the edge of a cliff. Please consider the awkwardness (now everyone knows there’s a problem, great), discomfort (do I have to hold your hand, now?), or danger (did you make him angry at me?) you might put them in by making yourself out to be a hero.

 3. It perpetuates the idea that women should “belong” to men and that other men should respect men’s spaces, not women’s.

Third, using the boyfriend game to attempt to help a woman perpetuates sexism in the long run. It displays to the “predator” that what should really deter him from “bothering” her is that she “belongs” to another man. Resorting to the boyfriend excuse nullifies all of her other attempts to signal to the predator that he should go away. Her comfort, desires, and needs don’t really matter, but what does are those of her imaginary boyfriend.

In a world where, “I’m a lesbian,” works less than half as well as, “I have a boyfriend,” we need more people who are willing to make it obvious that it is simply valid for a girl to reject a man because she says so. No explanation needed. Women are told that they are not inherently sexual creatures, that they are wishy-washy about what they want (and sometimes we are, everyone can be), and if the guy persists long enough he will wear down her defenses and she will realize/admit she likes him. Excuse me, assholes of the universe, you are not an advertising campaign, women are not your consumers, and no matter how obnoxious your commercials are, I will not buy your penis (I swear a lot of commercials these days just try to be as awful/weird/disturbing as possible so we remember that you can get insurance from a talking box with an eyebrow problem, ugh, fuck CGI talking things).

Progressive box guy I hate you and you give me nightmares.

About Being an “Ally” in General

A final note, remember that the final arbiter of whether or not you are an ally is the group of people or person you are trying to support. Oftentimes it is beneficial to publicly name yourself an ally (e.g. raise awareness) but it does not make you 1. an Expert, 2. inscrutable, 3. a hero. While calling yourself an ally could expose you to criticism and even hate, it does not magically erase your privilege. Yes, a business which labels itself an ally to a cause could be a target of vandalism, which is just dreadful. But, a person who has a black friend is not “practically black” by association and does not get to use the n-word (in good taste), for example.

Just think of it this way, a true ally knows that supporting [insert group here] is the right thing to do and everyone should feel the same way. It shouldn’t be special or heroic to support people; society should just change such that we are all allies to each other.

Goodwill to all who made it this far (jeez, what an essay),

Sami

—–

Comments Policy

This is new for me…. But I like the idea of having post-specific comment policies.

  • As the owner of this website, I reserve the right to delete any comment, for any reason, of course.
  • But, to generate trust with my commenters, it is very unlikely I will delete your comment
  • If I do delete your comment it is because you are not writing in the spirit of the post, as detailed below.

This post is intended for people who are interested in being good allies, promoting good allyship, or deconstructing allyship. It is not intended for people to debate whether feminism is “valid” or privilege is “real.” There are other places on the internet for that! Enjoy.

P.S. Anyone can comment, you don’t need to make some sort of account or “sign up.”

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9 thoughts on “You Are Not My Boyfriend (Being a Better Ally)

  1. Thanks for another really thought-provoking post. The question I’m left with, though, is what do you think is the *right* way for a male ally to approach such a situation? My gut says just approaching and saying something like “Hey, what’s up?, or “How’s it going?” Thus, it’s left to the person being harassed to engage or not. Does that sound appropriate, or do you have other suggestions?

  2. Would this have been a feminist issue if the person who said you were taken was another woman? “I’m her girlfriend”, for example.

    • Feminism would have still been involved, but it would have been a different blog post. I do have a girlfriend and I have tried to say as much to deter men. Results vary, and someday I’ll write up a post about it (maybe next week) but many of the same issues do apply.

      My qualm with someone trying such a thing (I’m her girlfriend) might be that, again, we’re giving the persistent guy an artificial excuse rather than asserting that I have the right to reject him without being obligated to explain myself.

      • I just think it’s a bit of an overreaction to say that your friend’s interjection, while well-meaning, somehow insinuates that a woman should belong to a man. The genders could be reversed in this entire story, with a woman claiming to be a man’s girlfriend to deter the efforts of another flirtatious girl. Would this then be oppressive to men?

        The core of this issue is general insensitivity and the perils of dishonesty. While it is gender-related, I don’t believe that any profound statements could be drawn about gender quality. The dating game isn’t an exact science (some people DO play hard-to-get, and some want to be left alone), and there will always be miscommunications and people overstepping their bounds no matter what genders are involved.

        Anything lie-based (from lying about your astrological sign to claiming you’re taken) is going to have some complications and implications. You should be just as comfortable telling someone you’re not available as you are telling someone that you don’t really believe in astrology. That said, if you don’t want to waste the effort on a stranger—and honesty, who does?—your friend was just trying to do you a favor. Not because you’re a woman, but perhaps because, as outlined in the first paragraph, he knows you’re a people pleaser and his quick-thinking kept you from having to feel forced to reject someone based on their character.

        I do take feminism very seriously, and I do experience and witness women not being taken quite as seriously as men, but I don’t think this particular instance is an example of any kind of inequality.

        • Let me try to bring this back to a “being a better ally” slant, which is my aim.

          I don’t actually know if that acquaintance-friend had any interest in being an “ally” (he probably didn’t) but, had he, his method would have been flawed. Please allow another example: So, I’m white. If I had a black acquaintance-friend and we lived in the separation era, we might encounter a situation where his presence in an establishment was challenged. Though I might be trying to be helpful by saying, “Don’t worry, he’s with me, he’s won’t be a problem” (in a friend way, not a boyfriend way) he might object to that notion. People of all races deserve equal access to public systems, rather than it being okay because he’s my “ward” so-to-speak. It’s a bit patronizing to take responsibility for him. If I wanted to be a good ally, I would do better to support his independence. Of course, I’d also have to be careful not to put him in danger! Maybe all I could have said was, “I disagree with you that he ought to leave, except by his on volition.”

          So, I would prefer that men trying to ally women not use the boyfriend tactic and instead state something which shows they support a woman’s right to reject, no explanation needed. It might be easier and more convenient to pretend to “be my man,” but it won’t teach the other guy anything. When it comes to feminist issues, I am certainly not a people pleaser.

          • The use of the word “ally” as an official term, as if women need them, is a bit strange to me. I don’t really like drawing lines between genders, races, or sexual preference as if “allies” provide the bridge between them. It seems like an unnecessary distinction that emphasizes our differences instead of rendering them meaningless.

            This is admittedly an impasse between our beliefs. It’s not something we’ll reach consensus on and may be the reason we’ll disagree on this. If I have a black friend, I have a black friend. I find no need to define myself as an “ally”. While I’m sympathetic to the differences black people face, they don’t need any help from me.

            I do see your point about a white person speaking for a black person in a way that’s demeaning. I also don’t think it’s realistic. It’s not typically accepted that black people need white escorts. It IS typically accepted that one person would be romantically unavailable because they are dating someone else (regardless of gender). It’s a dishonest defense, and I don’t support it, but it’s easy and it’s convenient.

            To put your story in another light, we could make EVERY character in your anecdote female, and it would still make perfect sense. And it wouldn’t be an issue of anyone being demeaned or condescended, but spoken for when they could simply speak for themselves. No gender is being demeaned here, except perhaps the male friend (who was assumed to have condescended to you merely because he was male).

          • I think the crux of our impasse is that I am resorting to examples. Because you are (it is obvious) intelligent, analytical, and empathetic, you are able to extrapolate a myriad of motivations for all parties and see a (quite optimistic) alternative story. I will only make a minor addition for anyone else who has followed our comment thread this far. Then I think you’re right that we should agree to disagree and end this particular discussion and let go of our quibble as to whether this particular aspect of the example is related to feminism.

            Addition: The white escort for a black friend-acquaintance example was meant to loosely reference the reconstruction / jim crow eras, but I’m the first to admit I need to brush up on my history (separation era???). An escort is not realistically expected today, of course.

            If you want to further deconstruct allyship, I encourage you to start a new thread (reply to the original post)

  3. As a guy who has lots of lady friends, I’ll say this:

    Supporting a hassled ladyfriend is always a highly nuanced situation. Work this shit out in advance. Or, like Sami says, don’t bullshit. Fighting harassment with BS is skirting the issue (and thus validating it, in a way.)

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