Oh man, Michigan. It is… a place. I caught a couple turtles, that was cool. Roman candles, wow. I would do that again. And…. Ugh I’m sorry guys every time I think about Michigan I just think about mosquitos and they are kind of totally a DEAL BREAKER.

Environment

Above all else, Michigan in summer is green. If you want to know how green Michigan is, throw a St. Patrick’s Day Party and then jam a green marker in your eyes. Because of the San Diego curse, the weather I experienced was fairly comfortable, ranging from slightly cool to fugly muggy.

These things are all fine but MOSQUITOS. The predominant environmental feature of Michigan is mosquitos. They are the reason Michiganians can deal with the fact it snows all the damn time because at least the mosquitos are FROZEN DEAD. They lay their eggs, crawl into a hole, and DIE. (Actually some of them hibernate. Actually no thanks I’m going home, bye.)

In San Diego, the weather is temperate af and we don’t have hordes of bloodsuckers.

Winner: San Diego

Wildlife

Ok, there are adorable turtles in Michigan.

There are cute little frogs. There are fireflies, which are the most magical bug I will ever see in my entire life.

But there was also a spider which I will call the “Detroit Tarantula” which lives in wood piles and which you narrowly warn your girlfriend about before it can eat her fingers, injecting a nasty poison that will make her itch with the fires of 100 mosquito bites and her limbs gravid with their own blood. (I am making this up but look at this spider, coin for size comparison, and don’t tell me you think it looks cuddly and nice. It is an evil bug, no doubt about that.)

In San Diego we have most of the same things (in smaller quantity), our spiders are cute in comparison with that demon, and we have a lot more lizards. But we have, very, very few mosquitos.

Winner: San Diego

 

 

Explosive Factor

Fireworks 10/10 they are not overrated. There’s this little instruction on your roman candles that say do not hold while lit — lol yeah right, definitely hold them while lit and point raging fireballs over the tops of the pine trees, chortling with glee.

In San Diego, you do not get to hold the fireworks. You have to pay something like 60 bucks to go to Seaworld, hang out with a bunch of oversized fish all day, and then strain your neck uncomfortably as you stand and watch them crackle above your heads, far in the sky.

Winner: Michigan

Food

In Michigan, you will wonder to yourself why you are eating at Denny’s all damn day. Every place is just basically Denny’s. White Castle is fucked up — the burgers are square and disturbingly grayish (but I gobbled up 3 just the same).

In San Diego we have burritos. Enough said.

Winner: San Diego

Winner: San Diego

San Diego wins. In San Diego, I can leave my front door wide open! You know why? Because there are no mosquitos. In San Diego, I can piss in the bushes without getting 43 bites on my left thigh. Same reason. In San Diego, I can wander around in the brush, completely covered (or not) and not get 67 fucking mosquito bites on the tops and ankles of my feet just because I didn’t feel like strapping my boots on yet again.

I am never going back to Michigan.