First off, let me just say that screwdrivers are my new favorite thing for Wednesday nights at Flick’s.

BUT orange juice is seldom on my menu. I think it sears my esophageal lining and allows germs to crawl inside me and make me unhappy. So, does OJ cause susceptibility to disease? I’m basing this unscientific study on two events:

This is the brass monkey that contributed to  onset of The Worst Cold Ever.

One night of screwdrivers and brass monkeys preceded The Worst Cold Ever, in which I was bed-ridden for 8 days and sick an additional 2 weeks. I was so half-baked by fever that I cried after watching RuPaul’s drag race, “because I’m not a millionaire.” What? Any amount of real emotional content had me making wild connections between television shows and my personal problems. I had to switch to South Park.  South Park never makes me cry.

Why did I wear an oversized fluffy zebra jacket? To match my zebra hat, of course.

Then this weekend at a burner party I realized I was possibly too drunk after I dropped my third plastic cup. (In my defense, I was wearing a giant fuzzy zebra jacket which made it surprisingly difficult to hold onto things.) I switched to plain OJ.  Sure, I may have gotten sick off the swig of anise-chipotle-gasoline-flavored homemade vodka I took from a community flask. But it was probably a borderline-illegal proof so I don’t think bacteria could survive inside it. Nevertheless, I woke up with a sore throat that quickly progressed into a 3-day cold.

I’ve been living off gatorades and cheese-foods since Monday. Cheese comforts me. Katelyn, I said, I want something like chicken fingers or macaroni n’ cheese. Something little kids eat. “This?” She pulled out a microwave dinner that contained 1) Chicken strips, 2) Mac’n’cheese, 3) A chocolate muffin thing.  Oh Banquet how I adore thee.

P.S. Does anyone else out there put ketchup on mac’n’cheese?

But at Flick’s my friends frequently order the screwdrivers and don’t contract the plague. I was sick of my shelfiest-shelf whiskey and cokes, and the vodka crans give me rot-gut. I know they’re using the same shoe-polish to alcoholize my OJ, but whatever orange sugar-water they top off the plastic cup with seems to prevent hangovers. I mean, yes, my insides are a disorganized sad place. But my headache went away before noon. Victory!

Results: inconclusive. Need to collect more data…