How to go to the Creationism Museum in Santee

Wait until it is Tuesday (admission is free on Tuesdays). Obtain a beverage. A horchata is nice. I definitely did not do this, and neither should you put whiskey in your horchata, but it is surely something to think about…

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Drive to the very end of Mission Gorge in Santee, where if you go much further you will be headed out to Lakeside (and there is never any reason to go there). Find the building fronted with authoritative, reflective black letters: “CREATION AND EARTH HISTORY MUSEUM.” You will also see a statue of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Walk inside. Bring your horchata. It’s totally chill.

creationist-museum-santee-san-diego-dinosaur Walk briskly through the gift shop and avoid eye contact with the cashier. Snort loudly, then cover your mouth, when the first thing you see is a cheesy light toy paired with solemn Psalms 22:1. Use the change from your horchata to amuse yourself with the coin funnel that is decorated with stickers of planets. Donate a total of 31 cents.

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Proceed through the days of creation. Find animals. Exclaim, “Oh my god there is animals here!” Wonder if the docents have heard you take the lord’s name in vain. Decide the turtle is secretly atheist, like you, but he’s not trying to make a big deal about it.

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Don’t forget, also, to stare for a long time at the mural of dead animals and dead animal parts. It is a work of art.

IMAG0199IMAG0201Listen to your friend make loud monkey noises in the other room. It is like Disneyland here. Although…a docent does emerge from a hidden hallway, after the shouting. Sip your horchata while your friends discuss topics ranging from skin color to the Tower of Babel with the docent. He will call you “secularists.”

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Don’t forget to try to put the round peg in the square hole.

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Wish you had a T-shirt of the sign that says NO RUNNING IN THE MUSEUM. It is so punk rock.

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Sit down a spell on the nice couch and listen to the man on the TV. He is in a very busy-looking room. Where is he? In front of a green screen? Chortle at a bad jump cut. You are almost done with your horchata. You are keeping it together. You are doing just fine.

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This is the part where the docent comes back and hands your friends brochures. He will give you the last one, and say, “You probably like dogs.” He is not wrong. Maybe God helps him to see these things.

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Consult your smartphone to check the spelling of “efficacy.” Wait. LOL “tratement.”

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Oh god. Oh god no…. Drop your horchata taking a picture of the fertilization sign. It will seem like it is ok at first, because it landed upright, but actually the bottom will bust open, spilling your remaining beverage in a sticky puddle. Take the horchata to the bathroom. Try to drink the rest of it over the sink, then chuck it in the trash. Wash your face. Use the toilet (it is very fancy). Look at the horchata in the trash and stomp it down with your boot. Maybe that helps? Come back to your spill with paper towels. Hear a little girl say, “Mommy, why does it smell like beer?” Oh god. God no. They know. Everyone totally knows.

IMAG0239Leave immediately. Go straight to the brewery across the street. Wish you could order something stiffer than beer (but the beer is pretty good anyway).

BNS Brewing and Distilling Co

YOLO is Banned in 2013

So Katelyn and I were driving down to Ocean Beach to poke some anemones (tide pools) and I saw this monstrosity:

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“Seriously?” I said, and took a picture. YOLO has been around for almost 10 years. I can’t believe they’d use it in a business name…again.

The earliest known use of the acronym is attributed to Adam Mesh from the third season of the NBC reality show The Average Joe. Mesh launched the “You Only Live Once” (YOLO) clothing line on March 20th, 2004.

YOLO kind of represents everything I hate.

Hippies have been pointing out for decades that you ought to make the best of your one life, and appreciate the beauty in the world, and climb that mountain, and dream that dream…all I hear is “yammer yammer I baked in the sun too long.” I realize that makes me sound ungrateful, but you didn’t grow up with my mother. Her happiness is real, and bleeds from her warmth and glitters in her sweat and frazzles her blonde curly hair. She’s not faking it, we’re not the Smiths, and I grew up listening to her gleeful groans and lip-smacks and giggles every day of my life. So I’d prefer expressions of thankfulness for this planet to omit that fuzzy-wuzzy psuedo-spiritual suckling-on-teats-of-milk-and-honey jargon of flower children. The phrase “mother earth” makes me vomit in my mouth a little.

That’s the literal interpretation of YOLO.

Then there’s how it’s actually used. For whatever reason, young people determined that the best solution to only living once is to be as idiotically reckless as possible. If I kept up an avid mindfulness that I only live once, I’d throw all my food in my Vitamix and eat it through a straw. I’m so prone to choking I can barely drink a glass of water. As Jack Black infamously pointed out, YOLO has turned into Carpe Diem for stupid people. I just want to know, how is throwing on a trucker hatt, getting smammered, and drooling on a young woman while she gyrates against your crotch seizing the day? I do that like every single night.

The hipsters haven’t been quite so relentless as the SWAG-ers, so I can’t say I’m particularly perturbed when someone says, “hashtag YOLO,” either deadpan or with that sly drawl of irony. Still, that happens. Yay.

The good news is that some tiny state university that I never heard of is officially banning YOLO from common use:

Other banned, overused terms: Guru, Trending, and Job Creators

Other banished, overused terms: Guru, Trending, and Job Creators…

 

I really doubt me pointing this out will stop anyone from slapping you-only-live-once on an Instagram picture, but I’m pretty sure this acronym has about died on its own. Just don’t tell that to YOLO Board.